Void

WARNING: Extremely deep, philosophical, introspective, potentially emo post ahead!!

So I just realized something. Well I probably knew it already but it's finally come to the forefront of my consciousness. I am pretty fake and superficial. Most of the time it takes too much energy to interact with others. I open up a bit more with my friends but honestly, I don't know what the hell is behind my fake smiles and laughs. Half the time I'm laughing to fill in gaps because I have nothing to offer. Maybe I'm just brain dead or stupid or possibly I just don't know who I am. Talking to me doesn't really make for stimulating conversation and you can definitely tell if I'm uncomfortable and want out of a conversation. It's as if I am either forced to talk endlessly about nothing in particular, stare, laugh/smile for no reason or end the conversation prematurely. I find I do this SO much when it comes to my coworkers. They aren't bad people I just couldn't be bothered. It's like people take too much time and energy for me. I don't know if I'm even making any sense but I realized this issue I have with people as I was thinking about my interactions with people today, and how I can be full of life and energy and then all of a sudden die off. I feel like because it is so easy for me to reverse my hyper state, it means I was never full of life and energy in the first place. It's like my entire identity is a farce but I know no other identity than this false one.

I probably made no sense whatsoever.

Nat

Voldemort is Trying to Kill Us All With Google

Great evil is afoot. I fear there is another plot to destroy us muggles. Or to just make us royally pissed off. You see, Google in all its evil glory has taken over EVERYTHING. It's sad that I have just noticed it now but better late than never. It irks me how virtually every account you sign up for these days is somehow connected or linked to Google. Especially the whole Blogger thing. This is why the url to my blog has changed. Fucking Google has made it almost impossible for me to change the email to my Blogger account. My email was stuck on an address I meant to create for a separate Youtube account that I would share with a friend and so I didn't want it to be linked to my personal blog. But alas, Voldemort/Google had other plans for me. Not only was it ridiculously hard to change my email. I ended up deleting my other Blogger account and then making another one JUST because of the email issue. And even though it says my old Blogger username is available, I can no longer sign up for it! So this has left me red eyed with rage and just pure malice at the creators of Google. You fucking assholes! You will be punished!

PS: In the midst of my blind rage I deleted the Gmail account I was supposed to share with a friend which was linked to our Youtube account UGH!!! It's an endless web of EVIL!!!

Nat

You are What You Feel?

Okay I guess I had to vent somewhere. I feel like an ass because I didn't hang out with my college friends today when I was supposed to. I feel like even more of an ass because I was going to ditch them for my high school friends because I fail at planning things. And I just have an overall feeling of shitty-ness because I wasted my Saturday at a pointless gathering of Nigerians. it was an hour away, all the way in Fontana and I didn't want to be there at all. There was flies, food that I was afraid to eat, and no one to talk to. Even worse, I come home play with makeup and my whole look. I finally achieve a look just to realize that my whole fucking face is too hideous to translate nicely on digital cameras...

I hate the fact that what I see in the mirror everyday is something i find so grotesque and perverse it makes me sick.

I hate this SO much...

Great Day eh?

Nat

My Unhealthy Love Affair

I have a confession to make. Something that I never realized before. Something pushed so far back into the dark recesses of my mind, that I was unaware that I was harboring these feelings. I must confess and own up to the fact that, I, Nathalie, am in the deepest of loves with youtube. Yes, you heard me correctly. I LOVE youtube. It's endless supply of comedy and food for thought, the stupidity, randomness and glamor of youtube have charmed me to the point where there is no hope for me to come out of this stupor. Youtube has cast a permanent spell on me, and for that, I am not ashamed.

XOXOXOXO to Youtube

Nat

Darkies Are Ugly Part Deux

"Darkies Are Ugly"

So there is this sick twisted depravity that black people have become accustomed to. This said depravity is the belief that the lighter your skin is the more "valuable" you are. I really feel like doing a vlog about this once I get my youtube stuff going, but HONESTLY, This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves along with people who are homophobic. Guess what? Black people fall into both of those categories. It's really sad, and I must say it pisses me the fuck off. I probably should save everything else I'm going to say for when I do my vlog but yeah I really need to get this off my chest because I've been DYING to address this. My anger was sparked about this whole issue when i saw the MOST ignorant facebook post I have seen and it's by fellow black people! No wonder we are seen as ignorant and stupid! It's because so many of us say stupid crap and don't speak in a refined manner. If you want to combat these fucking stereotypes get the fuck out of the ghetto and put yourself to work! Get an education and prove the white man wrong. But no, most of us don't help the situation at all! UGH! Anyway, I'm off.

Nat

Send Me on the Next Bus/Car Ride/Flight/ ANYTHING Back to UCLA

So I'm going to gripe a lot in this blog so get used to it. No one is really reading it anyway so I shouldn't really care. Anyway, my mom's traveled out of the country and it's as if once she left my dad went on full "bitch on Nathalie" mode. Seriously. Maybe I'm PMSing and I'll probably be over it soon but I just can't help but get irritated and pissed because of him. He has the nerve to bitch about how I'm always glued to my computer that I've been on it since morning. First of all, this morning I was exercising my creative whatsit by drawing once I found my computer tablet. It's good to be creative dammit! I haven't drawn anything in ages! Not many people can say they draw the way I do without taking any classes! There aren't a whole lot of people who can use photoshop the way I do either! At least I'm not one of those disobedient rogue kids that do drugs have sex and engage in various acts of debauchery. I stay in the safe confines of my house, on my computer or watch true blood. Haha it could be worse. I'm really annoyed. What gets me is that he has the nerve to gripe about me to my uncle!(By the way he complained about me to my uncle while I was sitting RIGHT there in front of them) How embarrassing is that?! And ever since I got a job he has this CRAZY notion that I have to pay for everything. First of all its a recession and second of all I'm not exactly making a sizable annual salary like he is. He wants me to pay gas and everything and I technically own none of the cars in this house. UGH Someone send me back to UCLA quick. I may not be an amazing student and I may be completely lost academically when I'm over there but at least I have my freedom. Freedom which is invaluable.

Nat